Unsaid Words

yellow-cropped

0300 hours:

Sun not yet risen,
in the hours of mourn
dark and forgotten,
this narrow corridor of earth
silent snow falls,
muffling cries,
turning wet tears to fluffy flakes
hiding sprayed, charred
pane-less portals
wind blown blinking gaze
mountains of trash,
and filthy frozen mud
lining unpaved streets
now covered in white,
like snow stacked cars
along any downtown scene
too wet to burn, six feet in height
locking away the wasted,
lost generations and severed ties
and all those that have been taken
clogging threaten
to choke this place
on the stench of the present

0400 hours:

Soon the sun will rise,
feet will pound
rush
crush
splash the fragile ground
soiling back to black
crashing present
clashing belief
that has scarred this land,
marred hope and dreams
under the weight of lacking
trackless want

0430 hours:

In dim haze,
my head rests weary
exposed
freezing
my hand beneath the pillow,
clutching my only security
upon which I now sleep,
always on the ready
loving its comforting grip,
and I am soundly not here
but next to you
home
warm
safe
fed
close enough
to touch you

0500 hours:

Jolting fire pops
Familiar hands
heave my weight to the floor
shoving me in
under the rack
under the fumes of diesel fuel
that stoke and heat this hell
humming glow silhouetting
my powerful protectors form
strong
savior
now pushed in behind me
shielding me within this tomb
from the crackling rooster’s cry
that pecks and threatens the thin glass of this room
with ricocheting echoing end
which I have grown accustomed
and peacefully dreaming through
disoriented, yet comforted
warm soothing breath and voice
sighing, “shhh”

my brother, my knight
for which I can never repay
I love you more profoundly
than those who wait safe
shielded in this fragile moment
held in temporary faith
this has become comfortable routine
that can be shattered
just as quickly as the silence
I no longer listen for
already slipping back to that space
between wake and you
where quiet still falls welcome
and slumbering comes warm
in trusted arms
on morning breath
signal no cause for alarm

For a loving forgetful instant
I am transported,
reminded of you
your touch
your kiss
folding into you
smelling your skin
hearing the bass in your chest
lulled by your snore
and constant
soothing
thudding
beating heart

0530 hours:

My eyes open on their own
and level on this fantasy
prisoner to this lucid nightmare
that has become my reality
my mask instantly hardens
covering the revealing
weakening
translucent
thoughts of you from my face
forever on suspicious edge,
I dawn the heavy weighted plates
holster my saving grace
uniform complete
I become the man again,
I have had to become in your absence
fighting for something intangible
amidst such violent resistance

1630 hours
In teams we walk through sun bathed avenues
of newly blackened streets,
while watching our steps and vacant windows
protecting those who refuse to retreat
those forced to continue to live amongst the rubble
fed by what was when
before this latest struggle.
Wandering parental figures
of these forgotten children
that starve and cringe
fight for scraps
lying in wait
to refute wrongs past
patience and love tested and taken
now void of any remaining compassion
embody single minded vengeance
that set those trespasses apart
unwilling and disabled to forgive or to forget
blinded by the profound hurt that genocide creates
irrational actions spawning
irrational actions
not pretending to understand.
seeing,
saving,
helping those that have lost all
by one single hand
my eyes hollow,
my body thin,
I must maintain
never give in
dutiful to this feeble order,
guard unstable reality
protect unfeeling ends
day after day,
losing all reason of right
incapable of truly helping,
nothing truly to fight
yet watching another brother fall
to this heavy weighted plight
my feet are directed to keep moving

1800 hours:

move
keep moving
I cannot look back,
I don’t want to look back
for fear of losing what feeling I have left
for shedding tears that already stand dry
ignored
reduced to white flaking crust
these salty pillars itch
etching river shaped paths,
another nuisance born
carried on sunken cold cheeks
over unbrushed sallow
clenched softening teeth
where words run dry
over a parched
and ineffective tongue

2200 hours:

I collect my team
to traverse the long angry ten blocks
where my feet have already begun to lead
down the road to knowing
brief maddening sanity
to a small house at the end of town
where harder men laugh and stink
playing cards,
stretch scratching,
wake to the sun that sinks
living for these worn corners of the world
dedicated lives
to elevating the art of war
smoking, rough, idol ease,
gate keepers
of the only door
therefore gods in my eyes
to distant,
now seeming foreign places
where dulling memories
become more brilliant
more idealized
with every passing month
as I become more detached
more inconsistent
always hoping to hear
the voice that brings me back
washes me clean
holds me protected
offers escape
release

2230 hours:

you
who I can do nothing for now
hopefully, patiently wait
no choice but to settle for your longing
desperate for a taste
to be there
settled
soothed
by visions of peaceful mundane living
of you talking with others, running errands
eating, smiling, eyes shining
for this day has all played out
I am not sure I can do this again
take me,
shake me
make me think of other things
other than where I am
hidden in the details
through subversive tones
through this primitive
and monitored line
where our love cannot be shown
where the words I need
cannot be said
without which
I may as well be dead
save finding peace
in your breath
the sound of calming lulls

anticipating
I crank the spool
on the side of this ancient
precious black treasure
tone bursts, chorus singing
shaking, I dial the number
trumpets blaring tribute
ringing strong…
ringing true…
ringing still…
screaming
crying
wailing…
to an empty hall
and ear that no longer waits
where are you
I love you
where are you

chill burrowing deeper,
heart lost
sinking
for two months now the phone just rings
as these gods that surround me roar in laughter
ignorant of their role in this tragedy

I turn to leave,
avoiding their eyes
now longing for the cold
that’s warmer than my hope
warmer than my heart and soul
and heaving
draw smoke from a cigarette
wishing for an early end
while the others make their calls
as I stand out on my own again
I hear them fall into rhythms of assurance
in distant, but present love.
they emerge satiated and beaming
to where I wait alone

2345 hours:

weight cracking frozen mud
my face cannot display
the fear and devastation
underneath this skin which frays
trekking back through whitening streets
my eyes are up but peer unseeing
I no longer watch the windows
no longer vigilant
for my own well being
the attention given
is to protect my brothers
with whom now I walk
using all the energy I have left
to keep from crying
and so I just don’t talk
to keep from having to explain
from having to lie
to my brothers
my saviors
my beautiful protectors
who cannot see me
who cannot know me
you cannot ask me
I cannot tell
and adding your denial
feel I must deserve this hell
so now only to these dark gaping windows
I lay open
and exposed
dirty
hungry
all alone
bitter
angry
cold

0030 hours:
I climb back in my gasoline filled rack
slip my hand comfortably under the pillow
grip my saving grace once more
nuzzling the muzzle
trying not to think of you
hoping to never wake
hating all that is my now
my body starts to shake
I, who am not supposed to be
afraid of anything
fetal lay trembling numb
wrap my arms around my pangs
and to the dark fall willingly
briefly forgetting where I am

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